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The last line of defense
I was hanging by my fingertips
on faith, my faith
the final barricade
finally I’ve decided
you don’t love me
even if you said you did,
I’ve decided you’re not coming
even if you promised you would
I’ve decided for you
so I could decide for myself
I never put you to the test
never tried to see for myself
whether you would stop me
if I tried to leave,
always trusting in
the best possibility
but sometimes walking by faith
and not by sight
is pure folly,
especially when there is
this much to see:
our non-concentric loving
lost its centers
and there is nothing left
to do now but clean up
the mess and wake up tomorrow
and I walk in bigger and
bigger circles,
gathering up the feathers
from my broken plumage
that I discarded in order
to pay the price
of believing in you
I almost forgot I had wings
I remember even
the pain I was running away from
when the road led me to you
it’s still there
and now that I’ve decided
that you are not here
I will have to go back on
my own stubborn direction
and face it
because loving you did nothing
to make it go away
and I’ve decided
there is no lesser evil
neither you nor him
it’s just the same dark face
in opposite corners of the room
whose walls have caved in
from the burden of
my absence
I’ve decided I am
where you are not.
.
Cognac for the Soul 